you can ignore this post
My most dreaded day of the year is this monday. My birthday.
And like every year I really try to not think about it. I hate it. It's always the worst day of the year for me.
Ever since I moved down to Brisbane from Darwin I have disliked my birthday more and more, and Idk if it's because the people down here are more unfriendly or if it's legit just me.
Every year for the past 10 years my birthday has been like a bad omen to me. Maybe it's because my birthday is so close to Christmas? Or maybe because everyone is away on holidays, but no one seems to think about my birthday besides my close family. My friends are always too busy or too broke. Even though when I'm busy or broke I really try my hardest to make it to every one of their birthdays or parties.
I don't ever expect presents because to me someones presence is presents enough. But people never seem to show up, and because of this I get a lot of anxiety in the weeks leading up to my birthday.
Why do I even bother to plan my birthday still? Idek what I keep expecting but I need to stop. I should really just invite the people I know who will come. My family. But my family always insist that I invite my friends and it's always fucking embarrassing and degrading when either little to none show up.
I know I should appreciate the people who do come but it's really hard to stay happy on my birthday when I know people can come but choose not to. Using the word "can't" over their true "won't" just really puts me down.
I'm really sorry for this rant, I just have no one to actually talk to about this because my pride gets in the way.
I'm also really sorry for my art block and social block, but this is my reason why I have them OTL
When my birthday passes I should be back on my feet again, drawing everyone their birthday and christmas presents. Please be patient for a while longer.
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